In the event of my death, I’ll no longer be around. I guess that means I won’t be able to tell you how to manage my affairs and sort out my estate. So, in the event of my death, I recommend that this article is taken as canon, that is, precisely the best expression of my posthumous will.
In the event of my death, your first concern may possibly be the cause of my death, and even possibly, who killed me. If this, Bob forbid, is the case, the following is to be observed: My murderer should not be prosecuted. I REPEAT! My murderer(s) should not be prosecuted. I trust that their punishment (if justified) will come to them through the balance and intrinsic fairness of nature. Have faith in Karma. To artificially impose a punishment upon someone skews this. Besides, the idea that man ought to have a say in the judgement of right and wrong is absurd; When did man become God, or Bob for that matter? We have gotten far ahead of ourselves, silly monkeys, thinking that we have the right to judge our hairy brothers. Only the angels can judge, friends. It is worth also noting, that I will never kill myself, and if this is the conclusion reached, there is something seriously wrong with it. Even in my darkest moments, I am deeply aware of the impermanence of everything, and that the pain will soon pass. I permit you to seek the truth in this matter.
Once the cause of my death has been established the obvious concern will be where to put my body. Well, this is fairly straightforward. Once upon a time I fantasised about the Viking rite of passage, floating off to sea in a burning boat. I have decided against this. Instead, I would like the chance to become part of the earth, and for it to receive nourishment from me. I would like to be cremated and my ashes buried in the soil, in an appropriate place, such as an isolated meadow or hillside, without gravestone. The marking will instead be a tree, the seed of which should be planted in the ash tainted soil on the day of my funeral.
Ah yes! My funeral. First off. No churches. No pubs. It is my wish that my funeral be a celebration, a time of looking forward. A small, non-religious (but spiritual), service should be conducted at the place of my burial. The seed of the tree should be planted, at sunset, accompanied by some words. The fleshing out I leave to you. Something creative, something funny, and something life-affirming.
Now that my body and the means of disposing it are in order, the next concern is my property. As I will have absolutely no concern for property when I am dead, my thoughts on this are limited. My best option I feel is to leave the distribution of my property to my family. I will however state this: Nothing I own is to be given or sold to any organisation, religious, political, charitable or otherwise. My property may only be given to individuals. Preferably I would like my things to be distributed to my nearest and dearest, but I will concede that some items may find better homes with those my relationship was not as strong with.
Anything else to clear up? Well I suppose it would be wise to also say something in the event of my near-death, that is, becoming a vegetable (a carrot!). If I were to suffer this fate, to become alive yet unable to show any recognisable signs of consciousness, my wish is this; leave me in the state for 21 days. If I do not show any signs of improvement in this time, leave me ‘alive’ two more days, then switch off the plug. If I do show a sign of life, such as a grunt answer or any other method of communication, keep me going for another 21 days. The idea here is that I would like to experience this state and if I wish to die then I only need wait three weeks. If I can live with it, I have three weeks to muster a communication (anything is possible with a will).
Oh wait a moment, I forgot something. Organ donation… Not for me thanks, I think it is ghastly. Death is an option - deal with it. Using bits of dead people to keep dying people alive is a wonderful example of recycling but it is not of the kind that will save the world. It is a dark irony that the quest to heal and save the sick leads us to the very cause of our afflictions. Overpopulation drains resources and destroys nature’s systems. How highly ironic it is that nature demonstrates our problem by bringing to term the obese armies of consumerism that threaten to lick clean the dying bones of our planet while suffocating theirs in processed fats, glucose-fructose syrups and designer opiates. Wake up! We’re fat! - And I want to be part of the diet…
In the event of my death, these are the measures I wish to be followed. They aren’t dogma, so feel free to embellish. However, the guidelines are there, so please stick to them at least! All that I have left to say is that I love every one of you, and I hope you can take my memory and use it to your advantage.
Goodbye (in advance),
Christopher William Thomson